Over the last week, the words “I need thee every hour” have repeated themselves in my head. It’s as if my heart wants to remind my brain that not everything can be figured out by thinking. Only his voice can offer peace. Only his grace and wisdom are what the situation needs. When the news comes in fast, and it seems the world is changing by the day, even by the hour, there is one place for peace.
It’s not that I need Jesus more in this crazy time. It’s that I see more clearly how much I need him. It feels like that’s the way with a lot of things in the middle of this pandemic. After the dust settled and we all found ourselves at home with ourselves, the things that always plagued our hearts are the things we still have to contend with. If my husband and I are arguing about money now, it’s only because we’ve always struggled to see to eye-to-eye on the topic. If it’s hard for me to eat vegetables now, it’s only because I never enjoyed it before. If I fear the end of the world as I know it, it’s only because I haven’t admitted to my heart that end of the world has always been at hand, and my only hope for peace in the here and now is in him.
I suspect, of course, that there are new fears growing in this climate. Some of us may discover unexpected trauma in our hearts over something we thought was insignificant. Some of us may find that our baseline state of being is now fear, instead of peace. But even while all of that may be true, I hope we don’t miss the opportunity to sit quietly with our hearts and admit that the swirling fears, emotions, doubts, suspicions, are not just created by the storm. They are stirred up by the storm.
Before panic over COVID-19 hit the US, I had been very slowly reading Brother Lawrence’s Practicing the Presence of God. It’s probably the third or fourth time I’ve read it, but this idea of keeping God always at the center of my attention has lost no fascination for me. One line of the book has stayed with me on this reading: “Remain [in his presence] by all the ways in which your spirit can invent.” I often tell my students “there is no cheat for learning music. If you find something you think is a shortcut, it either won’t work in the end, or you’ve just found a way that works better for you.” I think that’s what I‘ve taken from Brother Lawrence’s words. The point is: find your way to God. Use whatever method necessary. Try everything. If it means putting an alarm on your phone to remind every hour to remember him, do that. If it means finding someone who will ask you “did you keep your attention on God today?” do that. If it means that you cut off your right hand (or your smartphone, or your subscription to the news) do that.
And if it takes a pandemic for me to discover my need for God, is that wrong? No. I lean in and notice my desperation. My own strength is no match for this world. I see that now. I discover that the pursuit of God is not a luxury. I discover that I need him every day, every hour. His voice is the only thing that offers peace in the storm.
I need thee every hour most gracious Lord
No tender voice like thine can peace afford
I need thee, oh I need thee, every hour I need thee
Oh bless me now my savior I come to thee