Recently I discovered a rock and an acorn in the pockets of my son’s hoodie. His second birthday has just passed, and I feel we’ve entered a sweet spot in our family. He’s old enough to chatter—constantly—and I can understand most of what he says. He has ideas about how he’d like to spend his time, how he’d like to play, what toys he’d like to play with; he’s even begun pointing out a favorite shirt as I dig through the drawer in the mornings. His personality continues to come into focus. He loves “scoopers” and puzzles and mostly especially, the leaf blower. He loves to give kisses and hugs and snuggle up next to you to read a book or six. We have a sweet, special game we play where I ask “are you cheekable?” and then we put our cheeks together and decide that yes, he is very cheekable. Sometimes he comes up to me with a sparkle in his eye and asks “cheekable?!?” all on his own. Somehow finding treasures in the pocket of his jacket reminded me that we are in the place I’ve always sort of imagined being with a child. A child who collects rocks and acorns, and slides down a slide in the backyard while I watch from my seat on the patio. A child who (sometimes) wants to hold my hand on walks and who I can take on errands and call them ”adventures” and we both have a great time.
Do I get bored of playing with the same toys all day every day? Yes. Do I find the hour before nap time and bed time to be abnormally long? Often. Does it feel hard to believe that there was a time I left my home at any time of day with just keys, wallet, phone, and hopped into the car with only my own seatbelt to buckle? Absolutely.
What I’ve lost in freedom to go, though, I’ve gained in freedom to stay. I have always been someone who does things slowly. I’m not good at multi-tasking. When I rush, I burn things, drop things, trip over things. Mothering has given me the excuse I needed to go at my own pace, without trying to keep up with anyone else. I’ve always thrived on routines, but I’ve found them hard to build. A toddler who takes a midday nap is a routine-in-a-box.
Parenting is hard on most days, but it so full and so sweet. Giving myself grace to be myself is the unexpected gift.